By Taylor W.
Okay, quick disclaimer before we get started: this post is not going to be a good resource for advice on casual dating. I have romanced exactly two people in my twenty-four years of existence, and have found myself to be an undeniably “go big or go home” person, as far as relationships go. I don’t think I could have a casual relationship if I tried. But also, I...don’t want to? I thrive off of connecting with people on a deep level, romantically or otherwise, and I wouldn’t change that for anything. And in particular, I find that I connect much more strongly with people who are neurodivergent like me (whether they’re autistic or have ADHD, OCD, etc.). So it’s not surprising that I’ve only ever been romantically interested in people who turned out to be neurodivergent too.
My first relationship was in high school, back before I knew much of anything about myself, much less that either of us were neurodivergent (ADHD for him, autism for me). We broke up after about six months, once I realized I loved him more as a friend than a romantic partner. But I’ve always appreciated how he gave me the space to be completely myself, quirks and hyperfixations and sensitivities galore, without judgment. In fact, those things seemed to make him love me more. That was the first time I ever experienced being accepted like that, and I’ll forever be grateful to him for it.
I want to spend the majority of this time talking about my other romantic relationship, though, because that one is still ongoing (and hopefully always will be!). Paloma and I met in college, the day before freshman move-in. Two weeks later we were dating. Nearly six years later, I’ve got an engagement ring on my finger. As soon as it’s safe to gather again, we’ll have a small wedding ceremony and I’ll have her locked down for good. Not that we don’t already act like we’re married - (Ever heard of the “U-Haul on the first date” stereotype? Yeah, we’re that.) - but we’re still excited to make it official.
Paloma and I actually figured out our neurodivergence together. As I was putting together the pieces about my autism, I started to identify similar traits in her - until one day, I saw a video by HowToADHD titled, “How to Know if You Have ADHD,” and had an “aha” moment. I sent the link to Paloma, and she proceeded to watch every single video on the channel over the course of about two days. So, you know, that pretty much confirmed it. Since then, we’ve spent an immeasurable amount of time learning about our brains, with a focus on how we can be better, both to ourselves and to each other. It’s allowed us to build a relationship built on mutual trust and care. And sure, there are plenty of ways that our particular brands of neurodivergence clash. But ultimately, they allow us to understand and love each other on a level that I honestly can’t imagine achieving otherwise.
I could spend literal hours talking about all the ways in which our shared neurodivergence informs our relationship, but for today I’ll just pick a handful.
Open and honest communication:
We’re both very straightforward, honest and earnest people (as many neurodiverse folks are), so we’ve always been able to be straight-up with each other. This has been a huge asset in our relationship. No passive-aggressive comments and cold-shouldering to be found in our house. If something is bothering us, whether about each other or just in general, we usually bring it up right away.
We’ve been known to spend hours at the kitchen table, just talking. Or staying up into the wee hours of the morning working through something that’s been on our mind, because we both have a tendency to hyperfixate and want to tease apart every detail of whatever topic we’re focused on. This can sometimes be an issue (especially if we have a schedule to follow), but ultimately I consider it a positive; we don’t half-ass any conversation, and always commit to finding some kind of compromise.
I think there are some times where we wish we weren’t quite so blunt with each other, but that’s usually when our egos are fragile. We don’t like to ever lie to each other, even when it’s as small as her asking if I like the food she made, or me asking if the song I recorded sounds good. Sometimes the honest answer is, “not really,” and so...that’s the answer we give. It stings to hear criticism when you really want praise, but also, we never have to wonder if the praise we do receive from each other is genuine. That’s worth the world.
Awareness of sensory needs:
I’m sensory-sensitive, while Paloma is a sensory seeker, so we’ve had to learn to balance our unique sensory needs. It’s been tricky, but has ultimately allowed us to more actively look out for and understand each other. For instance: I respect that she needs to be listening to music constantly in order to focus, and I take care not to get personally upset with her when she makes more noise than she intends to, or gets into what I call “chaos mode,” where it feels like she’s bouncing around the house like a caffeinated squirrel. If I’m feeling particularly overloaded on a given day, I know it’s on me to grab my earplugs or take a nap to reset myself, instead of trying to force her to be quiet and still. The world is rarely quiet and still, so why should I expect my partner to be?
In return, she’s always looking out for my sensory needs. She knows exactly what my noise tolerance threshold is on an average day, and when we’re out in the world, she’s always ready to help me get out of a situation that suddenly becomes too loud or overwhelming. The same applies to our day-to-day life at home; she understands that the audio from music or movies sounds louder to me than it does to most people, so when we watch movies, we turn down the sound a bit and switch on the subtitles so neither of us misses anything.
Neither of us ever yell during arguments, not only because we want to treat each other with maximum respect and patience, but also because of my auditory sensitivity. Growing up, yelling during conflict was a great source of pain for me, so it means a lot that we’ve been able to create a safe space to work through disagreements.
Hyper-empathy:
I’m very hyper-empathetic, which means I have a tendency to easily pick up on the emotions of others (and absorb them, if I’m not careful). I had to learn to give Paloma space when she’s upset and trying to process her initial set of emotions and thoughts, instead of getting in her space and immediately insisting on fixing whatever the problem is. Not gonna lie, I really struggled with this for a while. Negative emotions can be literally painful for me, so I desperately wanted to make the bad emotions “go away.” But taking on responsibility for others’ feelings, and trying to change or control them? That’s stepping into codependence territory. And we don’t want that. So we’ve learned (with plenty of time and effort, mind you - we only got good at this recently) to be extra careful about keeping space for our individual emotions.
Special interests and hyperfixations:
We celebrate each other’s interests, no matter how niche or “weird” they may be. If I want to spend the afternoon playing on my ancient Neopets account, Paloma is right there asking me about the old guild I used to be a part of. If Paloma wants to watch every video on Youtube about snakes, or Hamilton, or Skyrim, or psychedelic mushrooms, I’ll happily watch with her. Or at least play Animal Crossing next to her, if the content isn’t my cup of tea. I am pretty afraid of snakes. It’s not unusual for us to listen to the same podcasts or playlists for weeks at a time because one of us finds comfort or inspiration in them.
...I could ramble on and on, but I think you get the point for today: our shared neurodivergence, combined with our commitment to accepting both ourselves and each other, has helped us achieve a connection I couldn’t be more proud of. I have a partner who understands my brain and celebrates all the ways it’s different, and she’s never, ever made me feel ashamed of being exactly who I am. And yes, much of that comes from her being an all-around incredible and loving person. But I’m also going to state for the umpteeth time that I absolutely believe our shared neurodivergence, and the way it boosts our natural understanding of each other, is the foundation that’s allowed us to build such a strong relationship over the years. Now, if you’ll excuse me...we have a few more Skyrim hack videos to watch tonight. Until next time!