By Charlotte aka The Spectrum Girl
It feels strange to look at pictures of me from my graduation. I spent my life thinking that there was something wrong with me because I didn't fit in anywhere. Getting a formal education felt like one thing that could change this outlook on myself, and I believed so strongly that getting a University degree would fix everything and that I would find somewhere to fit in when I finally had one. I believed a university degree would make me get accepted for who I was and be recognized for my skills.
My story of how I got a formal education and a career whilst being an undiagnosed Autistic is a bumpy one. I don't have a GED so how do I have a Bachelors Degree in graphic design?
I struggled so incredibly hard in elementary school to make sense og all the information that was given by the teachers. All the time I worried that people thought I was stupid and working in groups was my worst nightmare since classmates could be close enough to notice how different I worked things out. Gosh how I struggled to remember all of the homework, to understand my assignments, to work in groups, to sit through tests and concentrate. I tried so hard to hide my 'flaws', and it didn't take long before I became the loner who never had anyone to work with on group assignments. The teachers always had to place me with the other 'leftovers'. This went for everything where we were told to split into groups. Looking back I think it's cruel to let kids have the responsibility to split into groups by letting the most dominant kid take the lead and choose.
Being ignored and psychologically bullied for years can make you feel like you're going mad. And I have no idea how I survived through junior high school. I had hallway doors slammed in my face and peers hiding from me behind bookshelves and building structures so they could avoid me. I didn't really stick out in either a good or bad way. I think I just became uninteresting and not worth the effort it took to get to lnow me, among everyone else. All the sensitivities about me as a living, thinking and feeling being got lost in the ruckus of the school halls. I was probably looked at as less bright than average too, I could sense it in they way my peers and teachers would look at and treat me. I failed math and a couple of other classes in high school and that meant no GED for me, and not getting accepted into any University in Norway.
To be able to study Art for example, you need to have passed math even though Art studies has nothing to do with math. Education systems are outdated in other words, and an indefinite amount of talent is lost because of this archaic selection system!
I tried for years to apply as a so called 'nontraditional' student to get into various art and history studies in Norwegian universities, but I was denied year after year because I couldn't complete math in high school. I was highly motivated to study art, yet and nobody could have cared less because I didn't have a passing grade in math? It makes no sense.
Like so many other undiagnosed Autistics I refused to be perceived like I wasn't smart enough because that one thing. So I decided that I would get a degree by any means possible, or else I wouldn't be worth anything (is unfortunately what I told myself). This is where many of us Autistics get so determined to prove everyone wrong and therefore start our journey towards total burn out in pursuit of proving ourselves as capable, and end up working a lot harder than than the rest.
Since I didn't know that I was Autistic, had ADHD or that I had dyscalculia, you can oy imagine how hard it was to get through school for me. I felt inadequate my entire adult life. I wouldn't find out about my dyscalculia until my mid-20's because of being systematically ignored by the school system. I can describe it as swimming against the stream with nothing to help me whilst everyone else had 10.000 horsepowered speedboats. I was always at a disadvantage with no accommodations or anything to help me.
It was disheartening because I had so much motivation and I knew in myself that I was capable of so much and had a lot to contribute with. But because I was not given the chance, there's no wonder my need to prove myself grew stronger and stronger after high school. I now see I pursued my degree in graphic design for all the wrong reasons and not because it was what I really wished. It just became overwhelmingly important for me to prove that I wasn't inadequate but quite the contrary. I had such a strong urge to show everyone that I could achieve something, and that I could even do it better than those who always got good grades for too if I wanted.
In the end I had to go to a private vocational school because I could complete 2 out of 3 years in Norway without my GED, and if I just took out a massive student loan I had to go abroad to do the third 'top up' year to actually get my bachelor degree as it would not be possible to get in Norway. The private vocational schools in Norway has lucrative deals with foreign universities to send exchange students who for various reasons can't get a degree at home and it's huge business. There are quite many people who have the issue of not being able to attend public universities in Norway and end up having to go to these partnership Universities. This was the only possible way for me to get a bachelors degree back in 2011 and I don't know if it's still the same. When I finally went abroad for my final year I was super motivated to finally get a degree and it was the same year I was turning 30! It was a reminder I had fought to get a degree for a decade.
Looking back I don't know how managed to get through it. The Norwegian students who also went abroad from the same vocational school in Norway began shutting me out in the small student community we were all a part abroad. So the same treatment of being chosen last or not at all had now followed me all the way to England. But this was nothing new to me, so I kept calm and carried on. I went through a year of severe bullying from my fellow Norwegian students, and had quite a few bad meltdowns and I had suicidal thinking at one point. My meltdowns was witnessed at various occasions and that started rumors about me being crazy. The Norwegian society was relishing in trash talk and things just got worse and worse. I was felt constantly scared and was always waiting for the next bad thing to happen and with one to support me or have my back.
The only thing that kept me going was an inner drive to prove that everyone was wrong about me, and that I was not the fool they had me pegged as. I wish I didn't care so much what people thought about me, but I don't blame my younger self as I was just trying to survive.
Towards the end of the school years I was lucky and I got to know a group of students from other nationalities that seemed to also be outsiders on some level. I could hang out with them, without being scrutinized or judged for being different. To be a part of that little group of friends saved my life. I only keep in touch with one of them to this day.
Despite all the drama I did quite well at Uni as I ended up getting head hunted for work to some of the biggest agencies in the Design industry before | had even graduated, as well as getting contacted by international publishers and blogs from around the world to have my work published. I managed to create a name for myself as an up and coming designer. I didn't get the best grades at University, but | was one of very few who had this type of success of being headhunted. My design got recognized for sticking out from the rest and my design style got described as being different, unique & quirky! At this time I felt like I finally proved to everyone who had ever looked down on me or doubted me, that I was actually not too bad after all. I felt I really showed all the teachers and the mediocre grades I was given for not doing things the same way as everyone else! For a moment it was as if I'd finally caught a break after all the bullying & hard work I had battled through!
Against all odds! I graduated with a bachelors degree. And I was very happy about it for a while.
The Norwegians I studied with in the UK continued their bullying when I moved back home to Oslo. They were spreading vicious rumors about me telling people I was 'crazy' among other descriptions of me by people who didn't even know me personally. Rumors about me were spread around the whole design circle in Oslo, which is very small, and those rumors were even used against me by the guy I dated who also was an industry colleague during that time.
No matter where I went I never seemed to be able to escape peoples need for spreading false rumors. Shit kept following me!
Still I had my degree and did my best working in a few design offices, but that had an expiration date because as an undiagnosed autistic/ ADHD'er working without any accommodations turned out to be a living hell. A few short years after graduating I suffered a severe autistic burnout that almost killed me. All of my effort to get a degree to get a proper job and career went down the drain. I overworked myself until I didn't recognize myself just because I thought it was the only way I could be respected and accepted by society. My career is long gone now. All I'm left with is C-PTSD and a student loan among a few things. My design degree is worth zero to me now as I will never work as a designer and put myself through the same torture again.
I am now disabled as a result of everything that happened and have ended up with several chronic comorbid conditions. I'm living on disability income whilst trying to get back on my feet. I began to share about being diagnosed as an autistic woman late in life on instagram, and through there finally feel I am in the right place and accepted for being myself.
If you are currently working your ass off to get a degree in something, just ask yourself why are you doing whatever it is that you're doing? Is it really for yourself, or is it just to prove something to everyone else but yourself?
I fought so hard to get a degree, but honestly I'm questioning wether it was really worth it. Regretting things won't help me, I know that. But I am allowed to look back and contemplate about how societal pressure led me into disaster. Just because I wanted to prove to everyone that I wasn't 'stupid' I spent many years of my life on that. Don't do what I did by trying to live up to societal expectations instead of just living as your true authentic self.
If I have one advice to everyone who comes after me; give your dreams more time and do not spend all your time doing what society seems to expect of you. Just listen to your gut feeling instead, it's usually right.
At the moment I feel happy by not knowing what's next. I just know that I never want to work in the design industry again. I would rather shovel horseshit than faking another smile in an open floor office...(I never even wanted to become a designer in the first place, it was just something someone with authority told me | had to do instead of doing what I actually wanted)
Everything I'm good at is something I can nurture and grow without chasing a degree. Actually I feel it in my gut that anything of talent that I have left in me is a lot better off with me nurturing it on my own rather than following an outdated education system feeling every minute of my life being wasted. The system as we know it is in serious need of an update.
Some of the most successful and innovative people never finished high school or University. I'm not suggesting that you drop out of school, but to think again before taking up a huge student loan to go to Uni just because you think you have to.