By Sef Scatterbrain
Even if I don't always feel like I know how to talk to people, I still wanna kiss 'em! For me and many other disabled folks, meeting people online is a LOT more accessible than trying to connect with strangers in-person, so I've never had less than two different dating apps installed on my phone, even if I was only looking for friends. Over the years, I've dated people across the spectrum of gender, sexuality, and disability, I've dated people my age, people a little younger and a little older, people from my hometown and people from the other side of the world, and believe it or not, I've even dated extroverts. Some first dates have been great, some terrible, and many of them awkward, so I'm hoping that I learned the hard way so others don't have to.
Here are some things I wish I knew before I started dating.
Relax the Mask
When you've been taught to hide major aspects of your personality and mask your way through what are supposed to be formative years of self-discovery, it can feel impossible to 'be yourself.' And when you're simultaneously wanting to make a good first impression on a date, it's hard to tell the difference between putting your best foot forward and performing an idealized version of who you think you're supposed to be. The main thing I wish I knew before I started to introduce myself to the world is this: you can't approach a first date with the goal of making someone like you. A date is supposed to be about seeing if you might be interested in being in each others' lives. Rejection can be outrageously painful, especially if you have a history of experiencing ostracization and ridicule every time you let the mask slip, but you really don't want or need someone in your life who is uncomfortable with the way that you are, no matter how many things about them you find appealing. Whether a date is with a potential romantic partner or a first hangout with a new friend, it's in your best interest to show your true self as much as you know how to, and just let that person decide if they want to stick around. Being autistic can be very isolating, but when it comes to the people in your life, quality is better than quantity. You deserve to be surrounded by people who encourage you to grow into your personality, not hide it, and I promise they're out there.
Figure Out What You're Looking for
Wanting to do fun activities with pretty people is quite a bit different from dating with the intention of finding someone to build a life with, so it's important to check-in with yourself periodically about what you need from the people you invite into your life. When you've dated around a little bit and have an idea of what you want, it's important to communicate your expectations so you can ensure that you and any potential partners are looking for the same thing. A lot of modern dating culture is centered around keeping things as casual as possible, but as someone who is clinically incapable of being chill, I reject that. If your relationship with this person started as mostly sex or platonic friendship and you think you might want more, let them know that. If you want monogamy, polyamory, or other forms of open relationships, let them know that. If you need someone who is comfortable performing some caregiving roles like anxiety support, help with physical tasks, or driving, let them know that. Even if sometimes you're able to read between the lines and intuit what others might be thinking or feeling, it's always more sustainable to build relationships on a foundation of direct and mindful communication. Save yourself some time and some heartbreak and ask yourself and your dates what they're looking for and where they're at in life.
Plan Around Your Comfort
There's so much to process when you meet someone new, so I minimize stimulation wherever I can. One of my favorite ways to get to know new people without expending too much energy is to have a date over video call. Otherwise, I try to pick a location I'm already familiar with so there's less new information to take in. If we pick somewhere I haven't been, I'll try to arrive twenty minutes early so I can sit and get accustomed to the sights and sounds and energy of the environment. I also generally avoid centering the date around a meal, especially on the first time meeting someone. Restaurants are full of complex noises and interfering conversations, and if you primarily use speech to communicate, it's hard to get to know someone with food in your mouth. But even if I'm not eating, I still prefer to have a task to focus on in addition to the conversation. Some activities I like to suggest to my matches are painting or embroidering in the park, a peaceful video game or board game, or a scenic walk. This way we can start to interact a little more slowly, possibly making comments on the activity and get a feel for each other rather than going straight into small talk or direct personal questions. Having an activity is also helpful because you each have something to look at and do with your hands, and there's less expectation for eye contact. This is also referred to as "parallel play" if you'd like to learn more. No matter where my date is or what we're doing, I make sure to bring sound-reducing ear accessories and sometimes a small stim toy for a little support in staying regulated, and I take a sensory break or two in the bathroom.
Come Prepared
I take some time to mentally walk myself through the date by thinking of important topics and questions I'd like to work into the conversation, because I know that when I throw myself in the ring and improvise, I end up talking about myself or a special interest the entire date. I've done it so many times that I've even started bringing a notecard with me, which is a tip I learned from other autistic people in the show Love On The Spectrum. At first, I felt inclined to hide the notecard to avoid judgment, but eventually I started to incorporate it into conversation, and I've even asked a few dates if there's anything they'd like to add to the list of topics. I also love the notecard because it's a great way to avoid an awkward silence. No more blanking and scrambling to think of something to say, just look down and pick something you already know you want to talk about. And when I do talk about my special interests, I have a prompt card that reminds me to take a break and ask some questions about them and theirs.
This also functions as a subtle but important test. If someone sees you using an assistive aid and responds with curiosity or even finds it charming, they're more likely to presume competence as they learn about your disabilities and eventually play a supportive role in your life. If they tease you about it in a way that seems like they find it unattractive, it's an indication that this person likely hasn't worked through their ableism, and it might not be a good time for you to pursue a romantic relationship with them. Remember, the goal of a date is not to convince someone to like you, it's to see if they do, so a rejection is less about who you are and more about your compatibility with that person. Take some time to think about which questions and conversation topics will give me the clearest idea of my potential compatibility with someone.
Have an Escape Plan
When I'm starting to get to know someone, I mention that I have an appointment or meeting or some other obligation either later in the evening or early the next morning so I have a polite and believable way to wrap things up if I'm "tired." Usually I feel comfortable telling a date the truth if I'm not feeling comfortable and want to reschedule or just end the date early, but here's are some opportunities where the white lie of an impending obligation comes in handy:
I don't feel safe around this person and I want to leave so I can think about why
This person seems to be much more sexually motivated than I am and I'm not ready to navigate that conversation
I'm overwhelmed and I don't think I'll be able to regulate myself until I'm back in my room or around my safe people and I don't feel able to communicate that right now
I'm not having fun with this person and I don't want to hurt their feelings.
A lot of people say that a breakup text is cowardly, but I genuinely can't communicate clearly when I am overwhelmed and unprepared, so it's much easier for me to explain that I probably won't be interested in another date with someone via writing. When I know or have a hunch that my date will respond poorly or "beat themselves up" after a rejection, I try to remind them that it's more about our compatibility than who they are as a person, and I tell myself that same thing when one of my dates isn't interested. For us black-and-white thinkers living in a culture that gives very strict do's and don'ts, it's important to remember that there is no one-size-fits-all way to communicate your feelings and take care of yourself.
Take Time to Process.
A lot of people on the spectrum struggle to navigate and put names to their feelings. This is often referred to as alexithymia. We also tend to be bottom-up thinkers, meaning we are more likely to use the details of a situation to piece together a bigger picture. I like to make sure I have some time to myself to sit and think or write about how the date went, or know that a close friend is free to talk so I can recount and discuss it with them. There have been times where I plan a coffee date midday and then have to leave for a night class, and when I try to think back on the details of the date later that evening, some of the details get fuzzy, and I have a harder time making sense of my experience. Sometimes I even take an extended bathroom break in the middle to check-in with myself! Here are some examples of questions I ask myself during and after a first or second date.
how did my body feel around this person?
what kinds of thoughts did I have while they were talking?
what else do I want to know about this person
what would the people who care about me have to say about this person?
We tend to be imaginative and excitable people, so if the date went really well, it can be easy to immediately place someone into a wide range of experiences in your head and visualize the small details of your lives together. If you or the friend you're gushing about this person to notices this, make sure to remind yourself to take things slow and spend more time getting to know the person so there are no unpleasant surprises when your expectations aren't met.
Forming relationships with new people can be fun, scary, and life-changing. It is an opportunity for confronting difficult emotions and an avenue for personal growth and self-discovery. Through dating and friendships, I became acquainted with my own inner world by exposing myself to new experiences and exploring what I liked and didn't like, and I learned who I was and what roles I played in a social ecosystem through my interactions with others and the parts of myself I'm able to see from their perspective. Remember that autistic people are lovable, autistic people are sexy and charming and diversely intelligent and creative, and the right person will see you as a delicacy, not an acquired taste. It's certainly a lot easier to get started with other people on the spectrum, and that's why Hiki has quickly become the first place I start looking when I want to open my life to new friends and lovers. Thanks for reading, and I hope this helps !